Graduate Hires And Other Droppings
By Julie Anne Phillipps, Associate Editor WestExpress
Employers expect to hire 36 to 40 percent fewer college graduates. Okay so if you plan to graduate soon you have to work a little to find a job. Not a very traumatic situation, but you will need to sort through all sorts of anomalous language before applying. A recent perusal of the Arizona Republic’s employment ads netted a few pat words and phrases. The following deciphers these phrases into general rules of thumb for up and coming college graduates looking to find a position suitable to their own unique personalities.
“Out-going personality” When applying for positions that come with this key word recognize that this company is not jam-packed full of fun and interesting personality types. To the contrary, the company breams with disgruntled employees. Expect to be cussed out first thing in the morning and ignored for the remainder of the day, at least until management needs a scapegoat for the latest in a relentless series of fiascos. If you enjoy the idea of monthly doctor visits to renew your Prozac prescription, this position is your ticket to success.
“Must be self motivated with positive attitude,” a “quick learner” or “Self Starter.” Again, these key phrases represent personality clauses, but in the last two cases, the company hiring hints at the incompetence of its leaders. Expect to train yourself to the position. The benefit comes from the profound cluelessness of management and staff. You can expect the Human Resources department to ask you to write your job description within a few months of your hire date. If you enjoy being the captain of your own rudderless ship, this position is your ticket to success.
“Exceptional interpersonal and communication skills” or “have great people skills” No doubt you see a theme here. However, these key phrases represent more than a personality type because you can expect your responsibilities to include promptings workers to respond to memos, emails and staff meetings. The benefits come if you take the position; you can expect to reap huge financial benefits after you know everyone’s personal life and start blackmailing your co-workers. If you while away the hours dreaming of a life of crime, this position is your ticket to success.
“Manage multiple tasks with little supervision” or “Ability to work independently” This key phrase more than hints at management’s ineptitude and organizational chaos. You can also expect to answer your own phone while working on the computer. The benefit comes from the guarantee that no one will monitor your work output since no one knows how to get the job done or what the job demands. If you dream of a job where you can surf the net all day, enjoy martinis in your cubicle or take two-hour lunches – this is the ticket to success.
“Dependable” or “Reliable” These key words shout, “you are a piece of meat.” The firm hiring wants to maintain a body count. You can expect your hourly or salaried wages to be docked an additional 30 minutes if you punch in five minutes late from your 25 minute lunch hour, and weekly reminders not to punch in early or late. Some ads may also mention “Right to work” with these key words, which simply means “You are a piece of meat on an auction block,” and as such you shouldn’t expect to go to family weddings, funerals or leave the office for anything more than the three-day vacations provided by federal holidays. Well, the holiday thing doesn’t really apply in Arizona, but the benefit is you will be fired before you reach the end of the employment trial period. If you enjoy anonymity in a short-term employment contract, this position is your ticket to success.
“Persistent and punctual” or “Detail oriented” These key words are similar in meaning to “Dependable” but also hint at the nature of the workload at the company. You can expect an avalanche of paper work and a salary based on minimum wage. This job offers no benefits. If you think the work place harbors a horde of disgruntled employees, you’re desperate for a job, and clueless; this position is your ticket to success.
“Team player” Beware of this key phrase, which became popular in the 90s. Syndicated columnist Dale Dauten recently took the camouflage off this fraud: “The current fashion is to disguise the military model by calling it a team, but the underlying assumption doesn’t change: I’m the boss and I’ll tell you what to do.” The benefit of this position comes from knowing you alone cannot be held accountable. You can expect to be sacked, but you will be packing up your desk along with a large group of co-workers. If you loath responsibility, this position is your ticket to success.
“Join our family” This represents yet another key phrase originating in the 90s with dubious underpinnings. Feel good author John Bradshaw once claimed that almost 97 percent of all American families suffer from dysfunction. In the “family” position offered, you can expect to play a pivotal role in an incestuous family system. Expect emotional outbursts to guide staff meetings. The benefit in this position arrives during the Memorial Day, Fourth of July and Labor Day picnics, and the twelve different office Christmas parties, each of which provides alcohol rich opportunities to get laid. If you enjoy incestuous office relationships of the group kind, this position is your ticket to success.
Jobs for graduates are out there for the taking; it’s just a matter of what you can take. There may even be, one or two, responsible employers with values and ethics you can admire. So, throw away that doom and gloom attitude, and hit the streets peddling resumes so you too can join the rat race.